He Said She Said

Wife: “I feel sick.”

Husband: “Where?”

Wife: “Everywhere.”

Husband: “Then why don’t you go to the hospital?”

Wife: “(Flash of anger) Do you think I don’t know that?”

Waiting all day at home, all she wants is a word of kindness. He doesn’t understand why she’s angry, seeing as he views himself as considerate. Married couples are supposedly united in mind and body, but because of quarrels they often get hurt. If the wound becomes deeper, both may just give up on conversation.

How can you be considerate during conversation?

Married for ten years, Oh Seung-gyu (40) and Seong Su-gyeong (39) have mulled over this problem. Oh, who works for citizens’ group “Environment Justice” and Seong, who is a “life planner” at Prudential Financial, have two girls aged five and nine.

For the first time in a long while, the couple strolled along Cheonggyecheon (Cheonggye Stream) and had an honest talk. To coach them on conversation skills, joint author of “Honey, Was It Something I Said? (Communication Book),” Lee Jeong-suk, also a professor of Korean education at Korea National University of Education, decided to come along. As a working couple, the primary issues they brought up were house work and rearing their children.

Oh: “I go to work late so in the mornings I look after the kids and it’s her turn at night. Some time ago I suggested changing this method, but she didn’t answer me.”

Seong: “I need to get to work early, so I already told him it won’t work out for me. He thinks I didn’t answer him because I didn’t agree with him.”

Lee: “Many husbands talk to their wives as if they’re telling, not asking them. They decide unilaterally to change the schedules for looking after the kids, and say, ‘Change it.’ Instead of that, start by saying something that respects the other person like, ‘I know it’s difficult for you but could you change it?’ and you’ll get a more favorable response.”

Seong: “We’re both proud people, so I appreciate him wanting to make up first after a fight. But the problem is, he just says sorry and tries to smooth over it. I want to go over what we fought about so that we won’t have to fight over it again, but he apologizes and moves on to the next topic.”

Lee: “Men and women speak differently. Men like to fast forward, and women like to rewind. So men think one sorry will patch everything up.”

Oh: “Some of my friends give flowers to their wives and plan romantic dates. But she just says, ‘You did something wrong, didn’t you!’ and it’s just deflating for me.”

Lee: “It’s because she feels awkward getting a rare gift from her husband. But this could sound very condescending to the other person. When you’ve received gifts or compliments from your hubby, just be happy and let it go.”

Seong: “After our marriage conversation has run dry, we have nothing in common except for the kids. Out of a possible 100 in communication, we probably score a 50 or 60.”

Oh: “Yeah, that’s what I would rate it, too.”

Lee: “It’s not that bad. I would give it an 80 to 85. But it’s dangerous to center your conversations around your children. After they’ve grown and flown the coup, you’ll have nothing to talk about. Talk about yourselves, even about the littlest things and even if the other person doesn’t listen. Even when it looks like the other person’s not listening, we’ve all got ears.”

Oh: “Sometimes I send her letters or text messages when I want to say something and she seems to like that.”

Lee: “Changing the medium or place is a good conversation method. Before you press send, you think twice about what you’re saying. There are no hard and fast rules on conversation skills between couples. You think in the other person’s shoes before you talk. Try to read the other person’s mind. This doesn’t hurt your pride. It’s an investment for yourself.”

mickey@donga.com