How to make bitter words sweeter

As an employee of a large company, A expected a different kind of 'warm leadership' when first working with a female executive. However, A often felt hurt by the boss's stern demeanor when pointing out mistakes during communication. Interestingly, this behavior did not deviate significantly from that of male bosses. So, why did A perceive it as more offensive?

B, a writer in their late 50s, working for a media group in the United States, received a negative review from a younger writer in their 20s during a feedback session on B’s project. B was unable to conceal their unpleasant emotions towards the younger writer, who could be the age of their own child, due to the public criticism. The criticism was valid, but the way it was delivered made B uncomfortable.

The first anecdote is from a Korean company a friend shared, while the second is featured in the latest issue of the Harvard Business Review (HBR) from an American company.

Recently, we've witnessed an increasing number of conflicts arising from the process of giving feedback in many organizations. This can be attributed to two converging forces in the business world. First, in the last five years, the concept of "radical candor," as adopted by disruptive companies like Netflix, has become a valued aspect of organizational culture. Simultaneously, movements such as #MeToo, anti-racism efforts, and the rise of horizontal organizational cultures have made diversity an essential component that reflects the current zeitgeist.

In the midst of these changes, the importance of feedback has been highlighted. However, it has also increased the possibility of hurting each other’s feelings. Being pointed out, for whatever reason, is not a pleasant experience to begin with. To give constructive feedback that takes into account the other person's feelings, we must first have a clear understanding of the differences that diversity brings to the table.

For example, in the case of A above, gender stereotypes may have come into play. A 2020 Stanford University study found that when men and women gave equally candid feedback, women were more likely to be perceived as aggressive.

Meanwhile, men were five times more likely to offer unsolicited advice to women than women were to offer advice to men. This behavior, known as 'manvising' (a portmanteau of 'man' and 'advice'), has been shown to create an awkward power dynamic that makes female colleagues uncomfortable. Furthermore, when bosses provide negative feedback to subordinates who are much older than them, it has been demonstrated to significantly reduce employee happiness by triggering a cognitive dissonance known as 'role reversal.

Once differences are recognized, experts say that misunderstandings can be overcome by institutional forces rather than human efforts. Erin Meyer, a professor at INSEAD, emphasized that feedback must be regular and two-way. “Routinizing the feedback process helps people see it as an integral part of their job, rather than as a form of arrogance or attack,” says Professor Meyer. “The content of the feedback should also strike a balance between acknowledging one thing they're doing well and suggesting one area for improvement, to minimize the potential for conflict.”

The era of encouraging feedback is upon us. It's time to explore the wisdom and organizational systems that can facilitate delivering bitter feedback in a sweeter manner.