[理知논술/영어 논술 클리닉]중학 영어

■ 논제

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

(학생이 경험한 일이나 성취한 것, 위험을 무릅쓰고 한 일이나 도덕적인 문제점에 부닥친 일에 대해 쓰고, 그 일이 학생에게 어떤 영향을 주었는지에 대해 서술하시오.)

■ 학생글

주상현·고교 졸업 후 미국 유학 준비 중

(1)Badump… Badump… Badump…

(2)The sound of a train pulling away from the station rang in my ears. ‘The subway train will come any minute.’ I thought to myself. Listening to the rattling sound, I sat despondently on a bench in a desolate subway station.

Three years ago, when I was in 9thgrade, I applied to Daewon Foreign High School, the best foreign high (3)school in Korea, but failed to pass the entrance exam. (4)I became spiritless after my journey of 16 years had resulted in my failure to achieve my greatest goal at the time. (5)From that failure, I was totally changed. (6)Instead of studying and preparing for my future, I poured myself into fashion, collecting beautiful and fancy apparel. (7)But after a few months of buying and selling items online, I had an epiphany.

(8)It was just a common winter day. I lied to my mother, (9)telling her that I was going to meet an English teacher (10)to help me prepare for the next day's TOEFL exam. In reality, I was going to trade clothes with an online acquaintance. I took an unfamiliar subway line to meet my acquaintance at a faraway (11)meeting spot and finally obtained my precious and highly anticipated vintage jeans. (12)Having re-entered the subway station after the trade, I threw myself on a rusty green bench and, with my eyes closed, took a deep breath. I waited to hear the arrival of the next train, (13)but heard nothing for over 10 minutes. (14)Remembering that this subway line was notorious for its (15)unfixed timetable, (16)I sank lower on the bench and glanced at the extremely dark ends of the tunnel. I could hear and see nothing. (17)Then, after checking the time, I opened my backpack to put in my cherished vintage jeans, but, in the process, found my TOEFL books instead. (18)I suddenly remembered that (19)I was scheduled to take the TOEFL the next day. (20)Finally understanding the importance of time, I became light-headed, and the station seemed to reel before my eyes. (21)After a moment I regained my full composure that of mine before my great failure and started to think over what I had done. I realized how much time I had already wasted in my life and began to sob. Trying to restrain my tears, I made up my mind (22)to never escape from reality and face any challenge, especially any failure or hardship, (23)for the rest of my life. I implored myself to cherish my life and never let time slip away.

(24)As I opened my eyes again, thus releasing myself from the dark and seemingly long abyss of my misery, I could hear harsh sounds from the end of the subway tunnel and finally saw a pair of headlights rushing toward me at super-high speed. As the headlights came closer, the train stopped, sending a strong gust of wind in my direction and blowing off the evil aura around me. The day was a rebirth for my future and a burial for my past. (25)From that day, I recall the tears in the subway station whenever my resolution is weakened and, of course, I have been able to control and even conquer my mind (26)to not make any silly mistakes again. Even though failure is still painful, I (27)don't care about prospective hardships, because I am more mature and stronger than before. This precious experience will bolster me, whatever the situation.

■ 첨삭글

#	Content
1	들여쓰기를 해야 합니다
2	들여쓰기를 해야 합니다
3	등위접속사 but의 사용이 잘못되었습니다. 두 문장으로 나누어야 자연스러운 문장이 됩니다. →school in Korea. Unfortunately, I failed to pass the entrance exam.
4	→My Failure to achieve what at age sixteen was my greatest goal made my spirits flag.
5	부적절한 수동태의 사용 →That failure totally changed me.
6	부적절한 수식어구의 위치 →I poured myself into fashion, collecting beautiful and fancy apparel instead of studying and preparing for my future.
7	And, or, but과 같은 등위접속사로 시작하는 문장은 좋은 문장이 아닙니다. →After a few months
8	주절 앞의 문장을 부사구로 바꾸어 문장 전체를 수식하면 훨씬 자연스럽습니다. →One ordinary winter day, I lied to my mother.
9	이전문장을 끝내고 새로운 문장으로 시작하세요. →I told her
10	to 부정사구를 관계대명사절로 바꾸십시오. →who would
11	→meeting spot, where I finally obtained my
12	→After the trade, I returned to the subway station and sat down on a rusty green bench; I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
13	→but I heard nothing
14	독립된 문장으로 표현 할 수 있다면 굳이 분사구문을 사용할 필요가 없습니다. 두 개의 문장으로 나누십시오. →I remembered
15	부적절한 단어를 사용했습니다. →unreliable schedule
16	다음처럼 세미콜론을 사용하세요. →unreliable schedule; I sank...
17	불필요한 수식어를 써서 지루하고 장황한 문장이 되었네요. →I checked the time and opened my backpack to put in my cherished jeans. Instead, I found my TOEFL books.
18	이 경우 ‘Suddenly’는 문장 전체를 수식하는 부사구로 사용하는 것이 자연스럽습니다. →Suddenly, I remembered
19	수동태의 사용이 잘못됐습니다. →I had to take
20	분사구문를 지나치게 많이 쓰지 않도록 주의하세요.
21	불필요한 수식어를 써서 문장이 길어졌습니다. →After I had regained my composure,...
22	not과 never는 to 부정사 앞에 오는 것이 맞습니다. →never to escape
23	명확한 의미 전달을 위해 다음의 어구로 바꾸는 것이 좋겠군요. →from that moment on
24	극적인 표현을 쓰다 보니 이야기가 명확하게 전달되지 않습니다. 글을 쓸 때는 이야기의 요점만 전달하는 것이 좋습니다.
25	→since
26	→not to make
27	에세이에서는 축약어를 쓰지 않는 것이 원칙입니다. →do not

■ 총평

극적효과 노린 화려한 수식어, 되레 논지만 약화시켜

General Comments(총평)

You obviously have the ability to write an essay. Your organization of ideas and their development is effective in supporting your main idea.

You have a tendency to begin your sentences using participial phrases unnecessarily. Remember to use these phrases when necessary to modify a noun. There is a world of difference between “Trying to restrain my tears, I..." and "...having reentered the subway station, I...”

Another thing to remember when writing is that you do not want to be overly dramatic in your use of imagery. While it may be tempting to include scenes that try to reflect your moods this, if not done well, not only weakens your arguments but also trivializes them. In the future avoid flowery speech.

주상현 학생은 에세이를 쓸 능력이 분명히 있어 보입니다. 특히 생각을 구성하고 전개하는 과정이 말하고자 하는 주요 논지를 뒷받침하는 데 효과적이었습니다.

그러나 불필요한 분사구들을 써서 문장을 시작하는 습관이 보입니다. 이런 구들은 명사를 수식할 필요가 있을 때만 사용해야 한다는 것을 기억하세요. “Trying to restrain my tears, I...” 와 “...having reentered the subway station, I...”라고 하는 두 문장은 서로 다른 느낌을 줍니다.

에세이를 쓸 때 또 하나 기억할 점은 비유적 묘사를 써서 지나치게 극적인 효과를 내려 해서는 안된다는 것입니다. 학생의 느낌을 전달하기 위해 이런 장면을 넣고 싶은 유혹이 들 때도 있겠지만, 만약 의도대로 잘 되지 않았을 경우에는 오히려 논지를 약하게 만들거나 글 자체가 평범해질 수 있습니다. 앞으로는 글을 쓸 때 화려한 수식어를 피하세요.

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■ 써서 보내요

Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

(당신에게 중요한 개인적·지역적·국가적·세계적 문제에 대해 쓰고, 그 문제들이 왜 중요한지 이유를 서술하세요.)

※ 이 사이트로 보내세요

‘써서 보내요’에 대한 글을 다음 주 월요일까지 보내 주세요. 잘된 글 가운데 일부를 선정해 첨삭지도를 해드립니다.

글 보내실 곳: www.easynonsul.com →중학논술 →논술클리닉(www.easynonsul.com/Middle/Clinic/)