[理知논술]영어 논술 클리닉

■논제

“Telephones and e-mails have made communication between people less personal.” Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(“전화나 e메일은 사람들 간의 소통을 덜 인간적으로 만든다.” 이 말에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요.)

■학생글 - 박서연·서울 정신여중 3학년

With the rapid development of technology, <1> all kinds of high-tech devices <2> can be found in peoples daily lives. Those devices, such as telephones and email, have made <3> to contact people who live far away more often and <4> made people to become friends much more easily, <5> compared to <6> off-line world. Hence, I disagree with the statement, "telephones and emails have made communication between people less personal."

Telephones and email <7> enabled people to communicate more often, <8> longer, and more easily. Before the invention of computers and telephones, people <9> should have used letters or had to <10> go directly to see people who were far away. It costs <11> a great amount of time and money, <12> thus it was natural to have rare communication between relatives, friends, and who lived far away from each other <13> . Telephones and email, <14> there is no risk of great amount of money and time, thus it enables people to <15> freely access to the internet or use telephones to contact <16> people.

Furthermore, emails has made communication between people who do not know each other in the real world much more personal;<17> Computer and the Internet <18> gave vast opportunities <19> to people, to find friends in the online world. The Online world, including email and chat sites, <20> made people to express their opinions and feelings much more personally <21> and clearly, since they do not know each other in this world. <22> With unknown people in unreal world, it is supposedly much easier for people to be open -minded and <23> talk about personal stories or opinions.

Sometimes <24> a controversial issue because some people regard telephones and email as the reason why communication between people <25> less personal. <26> Although to some people, telephones and e-mails may seem evil, due to the fact that communication between people has become so much easier that people generally do not think seriously about contacting each other anymore. <27> Yet still, invention of the telephone and email <28> brought <29> massive chances to communicate <30> personally, freely, and easily.

■첨삭글

#	Content
1	삭제
2	삭제
3	it possible 삽입
4	삭제
5	compared to→than with
6	off-line world.→previous means of communication
7	have 삽입
8	삭제
9	should have used→wrote
10	go directly→travel
11	a great amount of time→both
12	삭제
13	was rare 삽입
14	there is no risk of great amount of money and time, thus it→allow
15	freely access to the internet or use telephones to→have immediate
16	people→with people all over the world a little or no cost.
17	삭제
18	gave→provides
19	to→for
20	made→permit
21	and clearly, since they do not know each other in this world.→because it is anonymous.
22	With unknown people in unreal world, it is supposedly→Anonymity makes it
23	talk about→to share
24	삭제
25	has become 삽입
26	Although to some people, telephones and emails may seem evil, due to the fact→They argue
27	Yet still→Nonetheless, I still believe that the
28	brought→has provided
29	massive→ample
30	more 삽입

■총평 - 하나의 중심생각, 세가지 논거로 뒷받침하면 좋아

I always advise students to read carefully the question prompt before they begin to compose their essays. In your case, it would have benefited you to take this time. The word “personal” in the prompt actually refers to the intimacy that communication achieves through face-to-face conversations. In your essay, you actually attempt to make the point that communication is more personal because of the anonymity that the Internet (and phones to an extent) can provide a person. Had you taken the time to think more, you would have realized that "personal" and "anonymous" are essentially antonyms.

I recommend that you try to come up with the expected three arguments, which you could have done fully had you stuck to your own introduction. In other words, first explain why communicating "more often" means a more personal communication. Then explain how being able to communicate "more easily" is conducive to more personal communication. Likewise, if you include the argument that communicating "more freely" means a more personal communication, by all means, explain this.

저는 항상 학생들에게 글쓰기 과정에 들어가기에 앞서 논제를 꼼꼼히 읽어 보라고 충고합니다. 박서연 학생도 주어진 논제를 충분히 살피고 글을 썼다면 훨씬 좋은 글을 쓸 수 있었을 것이라고 생각합니다. 논제의 ‘personal’이라는 단어는 얼굴을 마주하고 대화를 할 때 느끼게 되는 친근함을 뜻합니다. 서연 학생은 인터넷과 전화의 익명성 때문에 개인간의 의사소통이 더 인간적이 될 수 있다고 주장했습니다. 좀 더 생각을 해봤다면 인간적이라는 것과 익명성은 본질적으로 정반대의 의미를 갖는다는 사실을 깨달았을 것입니다. 하나의 중심생각에 이를 뒷받침해 주는 세 가지 논거를 들어 보세요. 도입 문단의 아이디어를 바탕으로 글을 전개했다면 박서연 학생도 충분히 이것을 해냈을 것입니다. 즉, ‘자주’ 의사소통을 하는 것이 어째서 더 인간적인 의사소통이 될 수 있는지를 먼저 서술하고, ‘손쉽게’ 의사소통을 할 수 있는 것이 인간적인 의사소통과 어떤 연관이 있는지를 설명하세요. 그리고 ‘자유로운’ 의사소통이 더욱 인간적인 의사소통이 될 수 있다고 주장할 것이라면 왜 그런지도 당연히 설명해야 합니다.

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◎써서 보내요

“Borrowing money from a friend can harm or destroy the friendship.” Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(“친구에게 돈을 빌리는 것은 우정을 해치거나 망가뜨릴 수 있다.” 이 말에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요.)