[理知논술]영어 논술 클리닉

■ 논제

“Technology has made the world a better place to live.” Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(“기술은 세상을 더 살기 좋은 곳으로 만들었다.” 이 말에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요.)

■ 학생글

윤남연·경기 성남시 은행중학교 3학년

The 20th century 〈1〉has seen a great advances in technology, 〈2〉and technology advance has both advantages and disadvantages. 〈3〉No wonder that technology has solved a number of problems, 〈4〉and makes life better. 〈5〉On the flip side, technology 〈6〉changes are likely to create new problems, threatening or damaging the quality of human life.

〈7〉However, I believe the development of technology has 〈8〉undoubtedly brought a lot of convenience to human beings and makes the world 〈9〉more beautiful and suitable to live.

〈10〉Apparently, technology has greatly improved the efficiency 〈11〉,and thus 〈12〉made people to have more leisure time. 〈13〉In order to see the point clearly, let us seen an example of how telephone changed our lives. Before the invention of telephone, message delivery depended on messengers. At that time the transport-ation lagged as well, and the quickest way was on horseback. Not surprisingly, a message would take a month long or a year-long time to reach its destination. Fortunately, Bell invented telephone, bringing great convenience to us. Now, where ever you are, with a telephone or with a cell phone, everyone is just one phone call away. In addition, you can keep very close contact with your family, even when traveling through the other side of the earth or flying in the blue sky. 〈14〉

〈15〉Furthermore, with the development of technology, 〈16〉peoples life spans are rising. 〈17〉Since medicine has developed very fast in the last few decades, some new remedies 〈18〉have been created to conquer 〈19〉 some diseases 〈20〉regarded incurable previously. For one, malaria, 〈21〉which deprived many people of their lives due to the lack of effective cure, now become a very easily cured disease. Admittedly, some diseases are still beyond our ability 〈22〉of the human beings and are still claiming people's lives every day, cancer and AIDS. 〈23〉But with the further advancement of the technology, they will surely be eliminated in the future.

〈24〉With these reasons in mind, we may safely come to the conclusion that we owe much to technology 〈25〉for better lives. However, it doesn't necessarily mean technology has it all. Therefore, we should leave no stones unturned in avoiding trouble and making new technologies good for our lives when we use them.

■ 첨삭글

■ 총평

주장 뒷받침할 적절한 예문이 이해 돕는다

Your essay has several problems to begin, you fail to make clear in your introduction if you agree or disagree with the statement. This is the first thing you must answer for your reader.

Your first argument does not match your example. The argument you make is that efficiency results in increased leisure time; your example merely illustrates the speed of communication today. I developed your idea of increased leisure time by explaining how this makes life better, and then I give examples of how technology frees up time. This is what you needed to do. The second argument I make is your communication example. Your argument of the increase in lifespan is viable.

Finally, your conclusion is weak because it is not clear what you mean.

학생의 에세이에서는 몇 가지 문제점이 발견되었습니다. 우선 논제의 질문에 대해 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 도입 문단에서 뚜렷한 입장을 밝히지 않았습니다. 첫 문단에서 주어진 논제에 대해 확실한 입장을 취해야 글을 읽는 사람이 에세이 전반의 내용을 쉽게 이해할 수 있습니다. 또한 에세이의 첫 번째 주장과 그에 대한 예에 연관성이 떨어집니다. 기술이 가져다 준 효율성 덕분에 사람들의 여가시간이 늘어났다고 주장을 했습니다만, 학생의 예는 신속해진 오늘날의 통신수단을 보여준 것에 지나지 않습니다. 그래서 저는 어떻게 기술이 우리의 삶을 향상 시켜주었는지를 설명함으로써 여가시간이 늘어났다는 학생의 주장을 전개시켜 보았습니다. 그리고 어떻게 기술이 우리에게 더 많은 자유 시간을 주는지에 대한 예문을 몇 개 덧붙였습니다. 이와 같은 전개방식이 올바른 구성이라 할 수 있겠지요. 통신수단과 관련된 예도 다소 부적절했습니다. 과학기술의 발전에 따라 인간의 수명이 연장되었다는 주장은 좋았습니다. 마지막으로 결론 부분이 빈약했습니다. 주장하는 바를 분명히 해 두지 않았기 때문입니다.

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