[理知논술]영어 논술 클리닉

■ 논제

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? ‘Books are not needed anymore because people can read everything on computers.’ Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(다음 말에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요. ‘책은 더는 필요하지 않다. 사람들은 컴퓨터만으로도 모든 것을 읽을 수 있기 때문이다.’)

■ 학생글

박지원·서울대명중학교3학년

<1>Attributed to the development of technology, people are now able to read everything on computers. In the internet<2>, people to find <3> a wide range of books <4>dating from very old to the newest. <5>However, books are still sold at a reasonable rate and more people are reading books than reading off the computer. At the outset, it is imperative to state that books are still necessary <6>although people can read everything on computers since they are handy, does not cause any harm to one's health and they can endure longer than the computer.

Books are <7> <8>carried everywhere, where as computers are often stayed in a specific location. Businessmen, <9>who are often very busy, does not have time to sit at a location and read the entire book. Therefore, they often carry their books and read them on the way to their companies. However, if books are not sold since everything is on computers, they will not have any time to read a single page. Also, even if they are carrying laptops for reading, they have limitation to the battery that they can only read for two to three hours, where as books can be read as long as people wish.

<10>Readings on computer are not always reliable than the actual text. Since people are copying old books from the original text to computer, there can be some errors in typing the text. Also, some of the information on the computers are include the writer's opinion, which may result in a changes of conclusions in a theory or an experiment. The <11> <12>original copy is always important to be kept even though the copied version of the text exists.

<13>All in all, even if people can read everything on computers, books are still necessary in people's life. Computers cannot be a substitution of a book due to it's weight and lack of reliability. As people are adapted to reading off the paper rather than computer, books should not be eliminated due to the fact that everything is on computers.

■ 첨삭글

#	Content
1	삭제→ Nowadays, computer technology and 삽입
2	삭제→ allow 삽입
3	and read 삽입
4	삭제→ He always added that 삽입
5	without much effort, and in many cases at no cost. Nonetheless, I believe 삽입
6	삭제
7	portable 삽입
8	삭제
9	삭제→ and only require enough light for a person to be able to read them. Thus, people can carry books to places where they normally do not use or even carry their computers. This is especially true during the holidays seasons(when people have the most time to read) in places such as the beach, the country, and the mountains. With a book in hand, readers have no worry about power sources, battery life, the elements, or the computer itself. In fact, people can even curl up in front of the fire with a good book, as the expression says. 삽입
10	삭제
11	Books are faithful copies of the author’s original text and are generally more trustworthy than texts found on the internet. For example, encyclopedias undergo extensive verification and review of all the facts they contain before publishing. Many of the reference sources found on the internet are the result of collaborations by anonymous people, who are free to present their facts in any manner they feel is appropriate to their ends. One of the most common reference tools on the internet, Wikipedia, has no guarantee that any of the information it contains is accurate since it is open to anyone to add or modify the information available. 삽입
12	삭제
13	삭제→ As digital technology continues to develop, computer texts may become as accessible, portable, and reliable as books already are. Until that day, books will continue to be the best companion for a long trip or holiday. 삽입

■ 총평

Unfortunately, your essay fails to fill the minimum standards of essay writing. I coupled your thesis statement with what little was useful in ideas(technology, internet, wide range of books, handy, original), and I simply rewrote the whole essay. There is very poor organization, development, coherence and cohesiveness in your arguments ― even your introduction leads in different directions. When you write an essay, keep your ideas clear as in the following example:

안타깝게도 박지원 학생은 영작문을 할 때 지켜야 할 기본적인 요소를 만족시키지 못했습니다. 이 때문에 첨삭 글에서는 주제문과 핵심어(기술, 인터넷, 광범위한 책들, 편리한, 원형의)를 연결해서 에세이 전체를 완전히 다시 써 보았습니다. 박지원 학생은 서론에서 주제에 대한 다양한 방향을 제시했지만 에세이 작문의 기본인 글의 틀을 제대로 갖추지 못해 주장의 전개를 약하게 만들었습니다. 논리에 일관성이 없고 문장과 문장, 또는 문단과 문단을 이어주는 연결어를 적절하게 사용하지 못한 탓에 주장을 효과적으로 전개하지 못했습니다. 도입부조차도 서로 다른 방향으로 이끌어가고 있습니다. 다음 번에 영작문을 할 때는 이번 첨삭 글에서처럼 자신의 논지를 분명히 펴 나가길 바랍니다.

파트리쇼 페레스(사진)·cybersli.com 책임연구원

윤수진·cybersli.com 연구원

■ 써서 보내요

Do you agree or disagree with the following quotation? ‘Schools should ask students to evaluate their teachers.’ Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(다음 말에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요. ‘학교는 학생들이 교사를 평가하도록 해야 한다.’)

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