[理知논술/영어 논술 클리닉]중학 영어

■ 지난주 논제

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? “All people should be required to live in a foreign country for part of their lives.” Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(다음 문장에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요. “사람은 모두 일생에서 얼마 동안은 외국에서 살아봐야 한다.”)

■ 학생글

박기민·서울 중동중학교 3학년

Nowadays, many people <1>go on journey or on business trips to other countries. New technology <2>gets better and as each country gets closer to each other, it became easier to go to other countries than past. Since ‘globalization’ is happening, all people should be required to live in a foreign country for part of their lives. By living in <3> a foreign country, <4> people to experience new cultures and <5>they can know about <6>people unlike them. Also, there is a saying <7> going to a foreign country “broadens” a person's mind, which <8>so by living in a country besides their home country will can give people new ideas and <9>really broadens mind.

Globalization is <10>happening all over the world. The term globalization is meaning that all the countries on the global become a one group like one country. Since it is happening, a person who has never been to a foreign country <11>or in a foreign country, it will <12>be difficult for him to understanding other countries’ cultures <13>and the life style. Even though there are many different cultures around the world <14>, by experiencing one, it will become easier for people to understand other cultures.

<15>There is a saying 'living or visiting other countries <16> broadens the mind <17>'. Many people <18>will agree with this statement. By going to other country, people get to see new things that <19>they cannot see in their home country. If people go to Vietnam, will <20> eat <21>Vietnam style food <22>and Vietnamese life style. <23>If they go to U.K, they will see antique buildings and their life style. It can broaden their mind.

New experiences and more experiences can make life better<24>. By living abroad, people can learn new languages and experience new cultures which can benefit them <25>during their life time. For example, perhaps they can use their language abilities in their jobs <26> .

In conclusion, <27>all people should be required to live in a foreign country for part of their lives because globalization has made, living abroad or visiting other countries <28>broadens the mind and also, experiencing new cultures can be beneficial to them during their life time. Due to these main three reasons, people should spend part of their time to live in a foreign country.

■ 첨삭글

#	Content
1	삭제→travel either for pleasure 삽입
2	삭제→in transportation has made travel to other countries much easier than in the past, too 삽입
3	I believe travel to 삽입
4	is beneficial for everyone because it allows 삽입
5	삭제→to learn 삽입
6	삭제→the customs and traditions of the local populace 삽입
7	삭제
8	삭제
9	삭제→change their view of the world. 삽입
10	삭제→an ongoing process worldwide. Today, 삽입
11	삭제
12	have more difficulty로 수정
13	삭제→than one who has previously experienced 삽입
14	삭제→The advantages of being able to understand and adapt to other cultures are manifold for those who can move with ease in today＇s multinational business world. The same holds true for those who choose to learn more than one language, which undoubtedly improves communication between people of different nationalities. 삽입
15	삭제→Experiencing 삽입
16	customs and culture 삽입
17	삭제→of those 삽입
18	삭제→who experience 삽입
19	삭제→are particular to the countries they visit. For example, a person who travels from a developed country to a developing country such as 삽입
20	not only 삽입
21	Vietnamese로 수정
22	삭제→but also that person will be able to contrast the 삽입
23	삭제→with his or her own. Understanding the true nature of development around the world is the more important benefit of travel abroad. 삽입
24	for those who travel 삽입
25	삭제→in the future. 삽입
26	which can give them a competitive edge over those who have never traveled. 삽입
27	삭제→I believe 삽입
28	삭제→necessary to open new horizons for people to reap the benefits of experiencing life outside their own countries. 삽입

■ 총평

에세이는 생각의 논리적 전개… 단순 나열 곤란

When you write an essay, you only have a few paragraphs to convince your reader of your point of view. Thus, much of the effectiveness of your essay depends on how well you are able to organize and develop your ideas. Unfortunately, from the introduction to the conclusion your essay is but a series of loosely connected ideas that have to do with travel abroad. A simple and clear introduction would have been, for example: “I believe that people should travel abroad because it helps them to keep up with the demands of our increasingly globalized society. When people travel, they can also experience new cultures and broaden their perspectives in ways that will benefit them in the future,” This way your reader knows immediately what you think about travel abroad and its benefits. From this introduction your body paragraphs can follow a clear development.

Remember: A paragraph is an organized unit of thought that develops and supports a main idea; it is not a bag in which you put all that comes to mind at the moment of writing.

에세이를 쓸 때는 단 몇 단락만으로 독자들을 자신의 관점에 동의하도록 설득해야 합니다. 따라서 에세이를 얼마나 잘 썼는가는 생각을 얼마나 잘 구성하고 논리적으로 전개했느냐에 달려 있습니다. 그러나 안타깝게도 학생은 서론부터 결론까지 단순히 해외여행과 관련된 생각들을 느슨하게 연결해 썼을 뿐입니다.

단순명료한 서론이란 예를 들면 “나는 사람들이 우리 사회의 세계화 요구 증대에 발맞춰 해외여행을 해야 한다고 생각한다. 왜냐하면 여행을 통해 새로운 문화를 체험하고 시각을 넓힐 수 있어 스스로에게 이롭기 때문이다”와 같은 것입니다. 독자들은 이런 서론만으로도 해외여행과 그 이점에 대한 글쓴이의 의견을 바로 이해할 수 있을 것입니다. 이 서론을 시작으로 본문 단락을 좀 더 명확하게 전개하길 바랍니다. 본문 단락이란 주제를 전개하고 뒷받침할 내용을 논리적으로 정리하여 쓰는 부분입니다. 단락은 글을 쓰면서 순간순간 머릿속에 떠오르는 모든 생각을 끌어 담는 주머니가 아니라는 것을 명심하세요.

컷