■ 논제
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? “People are never satisfied with what they have. They always want something more or different.” Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
(다음 말에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요. ‘사람들은 결코 자신이 가진 것에 만족하지 못한다. 그들은 항상 더 많은 것을 원하거나 다른 것을 원하기 때문이다.’)
■ 학생글
김다혜·서울 진선여자중학교 3학년
A lot of people think that once they attain something they really want, they will be satisfied. Their object of desire could be a very simple, everyday-life thing, such as a pair of shoes or a position in a company. people work hard for these things in life, but I agree with the statement that we are never satisfied with what we have, and that we will always want something more or different.
There is one simple reason for this: It's human nature. It's just the way we humans are, to want more of something, to crave things that are different from what we have. A perfect example would be Adam and Eve. This is a very widely known story from the Bible, known even to non-Christians. Adam and Eve had everything they could've wished for: plentiful food, good shelter, etc. But in the end, they just had to taste the forbbiden fruit, even though God they were told them not to. This applies topeople today, in a sense that they have desire to do something different, to go after something new. Another reason people are never satisfied is because that there is always something brand new. Just take a look at the electronic devices we use in everyday life. All sorts of "new and updated" cellular phones, MP3 players, and digital cameras are practically spilled into our lives. And this, on a pretty daily basis. It's no wonder people can't be satisfied with what they have. Technology develops as the world changes, and people do not want to technology to bypass them. In conclusion, all I have to say is that we live in a world where things change in a blink of an eye. Today's hot item could be tomorrow's trash. I believe that this fact, added on to our greedy nature, makes it impossible for us to ever be to be satisfied to be with what we have. People will always want something more or something different.
■ 첨삭글
#Content1삭제. 영작문을 할 때 구어체표현을 피하세요.2Numerous 삽입3life 삭제4이 문장에서는 문법적인 오류는 없습니다. 그러나 신발 한 켤레와 직장에서의 직위를 동일선상에 두고 비교하는 것은 주장을 약하게 만듭니다.5삭제
6Commonly, people believe that if they attain a certain goal they have set for themselves they will be a happy. Be it purchasing a particularly desired pair of shoes or earning a highly coveted promotion, the result will be the same: happiness. I disagree; I believe that, in fact, we are never satisfied with what we have and that we will always want something more or different. 삽입7삭제8삭제. 영작문을 할 때는 ‘It’s’ 와 같은 축약어는 피하세요.9new and different 삽입10삭제. 장황한 표현은 피하고 간결하고 명확하게 쓰세요.11삭제. 영작문에서 좋은 실례란 독자의 이해를 돕기 위해 따로 설명할 필요가 없는 것입니다. 12삭제
13삭제14Nevertheless 삽입15삭제16삭제→they told로 수정. 가능하면 수동태 문장보다 능동태 문장으로 영작문하세요.17do it 삽입18삭제19삭제20the same 삽입21한 문장 내에서 ‘reason’ 과 ‘because’와 같은 비슷한 표현의 반복은 바람직하지 않습니다.
22삭제→For example 삽입
영작문을 할 때는 독자의 관심을 끌고자 특별히 강조하는 내용이 아니면 구어체적인 표현은 피하세요. 영작문은 친구와 대화를 하듯이 쓰는 글이 아닙니다.23삭제24삭제→all seem to be “new and improved” every other month 삽입25can＇t be→are never로 수정26삭제
27삭제→Coupled with 삽입28the availability of myriad and sundry products on the market 삽입29to ever be→to be로 수정. ‘to ever be’ 와 같은 분리 부정사의 표현은 피하세요.
■ 총평
실례를 들기 전 정의를 먼저 내리는 습관을
Your essay has several of the most common mistake students make when writing an essay. Namely, you use informal speech, contractions, split infinitives, and you did not indent your paragraphs. Furthermore, you have a tendency to be wordy, i.e. you use three words to say what you could say in one word.
Unfortunately, you fail to develop your arguments properly. When you wrote about human nature, you should have explained to your reader what you defined as human nature before you gave your example. In your second argument, you repeat the problem by not explaining the link between something new being available and people not being satisfied with what they have.
Remember; always focus on developing your argument to a point where the example is a mere illustration and not the argument. Examples are not arguments.
학생의 글에는 대다수의 학생들이 영작문을 하면서 자주 틀리는 점들이 많이 보였습니다. 즉 구어체 표현, 적합하지 않은 축약어(it’s, could’ve, there’s 등)와 분리 부정사 (ex: to ever be)를 사용하고 있습니다. 또한 문단마다 들여쓰기를 하지 않고, 간단하게 한 단어로 설명할 수 있는 표현들을 장황하게 쓰는 경향이 있습니다.
안타깝게도 학생은 본인의 주장을 설득력 있게 전개하지 못하였습니다. 인간성(human nature)에 대한 글을 쓸 때는 구체적인 실례를 들어 설명하기 전에 인간성이란 무엇인가에 대해 정의를 먼저 내리는 것으로 시작했어야 합니다. 두 번째 주장에서도 (기술혁신으로) 새롭게 출시되는 제품에 대한 실례와 자신들이 가진 것에 만족하지 못하는 사람들 사이의 연관성을 자연스럽게 이끌어내지 못하는 문제점을 반복하고 있습니다.
반드시 기억해둘 점은, 주장을 전개할 때 사용되는 실례는 단순한 예증에 불과할 뿐 결코 주장이 될 수 없다는 것입니다.
컷